Time keeps on ticking

It's been a while since my last post. Time has not been on my side lately. Babygirl has been sick for the last three weeks and...

As I predicted: I was a ticking time bomb.

I blew up literally the next day after my post. Snot and tears running down my face, and as with all things it came out of nowhere. Over nothing good. Something about a garage sale at my sister's? So basically really emotional, hard-hitting news there… not.

I knew this journey was going to be an interesting one. As an analytical person I like to break things down and sort them into little boxes in my head so my wee brain can make sense out of things. I am a big lists and plans person. The more check boxes, the better! I like to know what I need to know now. Not later. With this journey I've learnt, I can't.

I'm not in control.

...and I'm okay with that, finally. So here I am almost a month later and I have had many, and I mean many, FB conversations with my 'cousin', Jane*.
  I have learnt a little more about this 'Bio family' and it's been somewhat a relief to learn about their family dynamics and see some more photos. They have become more 'real' (I know that's not good English), and more human to me. I see their flaws and their strengths a little better. I definitely see personality traits in my B-Ma that has transferred through time and sea and cultural upbringing to still be a core part of me. It's in my DNA, I guess? For example I have learnt that the insomnia that has plagued me most my life has also plagued her... Awesome trait to inherit.

On a different-ish note, I am starting to come to terms with the death of my birth father. (But that's another post)

The more time goes on the more I realise it's ok. This weird situation is fine. Maybe I'm fooling myself? I'm not sure. I have created this nice little bubble around me. I am here, in New Zealand. They are all the way over there in Hong Kong. It's not exactly like they're going to get on a bus tomorrow and come visit me, is it? The most they can do is stalk my FB page and maybe spam my email?

The question that keeps presenting itself is: What now?

It's been almost five whole months since we first connected. Now the hope (and disappointment) of going to Hong Kong through the TV show has well and truly worn off. The likelihood of her coming here is Zero. My family situation remains the same, so do I just carry on with life and chalk it up to the puzzle is pretty much finished, let's go play monopoly now?

We'll see. After all we are coming into a new season. Amen!



*name changed to respect their privacy.