When God slams a door shut...

SLAM! Bam! No thank you, ma'am.

She said, No.

N. O.

Game over. You lost. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200. The End. Well, at least that's how it feels right now...


My birth mother, who I haven't seen since my birth, said no to filming her.

I seriously can not believe it. Why? When you know that that was the only way I could get to Hong Kong. After 28 years of being in New Zealand, and 30 years being away from her. Wouldn't she be desperate to see me? To meet Ever and my hubband? To have something on record she can cherish about our first meeting? It's not like she's going to see it on Hong Kong television...

I can't help but feel overwhelmingly rejected at this point.

I understand being filmed is not for everyone. I totally get that it is intrusive, and a little scary. I understand that the language barrier would be hard, and the filming schedule might make things seem a little rehearsed or staged or whatever!? I get that she must have some deep emotional issues surrounding my existence and the subsequent abandonment. I understand there may be family problems and cultural taboos about filming. I understand that she doesn't know how our first meeting may go. Regardless of all these very valid reasons, I. Still. Feel. Rejected.

After abandoning me to an orphanage I trace her down 30 years later. I tell her I don't hold anything against her. That I have found a way to come meet her. Then she rejects all the plans I have put in place to reconcile. All the effort I have gone to to make a way for us to make peace of the situation. Why the heck did I bother trying? I knew that this was a possibility, yet somehow it doesn't take away the pain.

I am just completely gutted.

Does she even realise what she's done? What kind of person could be this blasé about it? It's a big expensive deal crossing continents to meet her. It's not like I can just book a bus ticket to come round for a cup of green tea...

On one hand I feel bad that I am being a jerk about it (not that I have said anything like this to her. I told her I understand...) BUT on the other hand I feel like she owes me?!

It's weird..?

For the record I know she doesn't owe me anything. She doesn't owe me an explanation or a meeting. She doesn't owe me a life story. She doesn't owe me even an email. She literally doesn't owe me anything, and I understand that. But I can't help feeling like she owes me this at least!?

  I know it's irrational and maybe I'm just being a brat cos I'm not getting my own way? Maybe it's because my dream is to be on TV? Maybe cos I'm desperate to tell my story. Maybe it's my selfish desire to travel to Hong Kong. Explore a culture I know nothing about. Or maybe it's because my birth mother has rejected me again...

I'm lost. Where to from here now, God?

#classicSamaFreakOut