What's in A Name

Birth Mother, Biological Mother, B-Ma, Mother, Mama, Mom, Mum, Surrogate Mother, Ma, Adopted Mother, Foster mum...


"What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." Shakespeare


Since finding my B-Ma I have had one fact that has irked me. Where do I place her?

My B-Ma and half-sister have been referring to her as "Your Mother" "Our Mum" and it has been uncomfortable to say the least. Also the fact that they have been calling my mother "Foster Mother" or "Adopted Mum" pees me off...

My mother has always been the one who has raised me. The one that has wiped away my tears, scolded me for being naughty and laughed with me through out the highs and lows of 28 (out of 30) years. She is the one that has tucked me into bed, introduced me to my Lord and Saviour, and has prayed with me over many of life's problems and joys.

Sometimes I put it down to bad translation, or even it's easier to write 'Mum' than 'Birth Mother over and over. I mean no disrespect to her, but it is hard. We are starting this relationship from scratch.

I feel that the name 'Mother' is earnt. It is not a given. I'm not trying to be harsh, but I am quite black and white when it comes to these things. A mother isn't someone who had a child. It is someone who cares for, nourishes, teaches, watches, encourages, nurtures a child, whether that child is biologically theirs or not.

For arguments sake, she is my "mother". She created and birthed me. Biologically I owe my 'Sama-ness' to her and my Birth Father's gene pool. On a sympathetic note, she has revealed to me how she had no choice in the matter and that she has missed me for the last 30 years. My heart aches over this fact as we cannot undo what has been done, and further more, I wouldn't want to.

My life here has been fraught with severe highs and lows. My family is big, complicated, loud, crazy and sometimes messy; but I wouldn't have it any other way.

I wouldn't have the family I have. My husband. My daughter. My extended family. My friends. My church.

I would be almost an entirely different person if I had not been given up.


How can you reconcile feelings for the woman who created you with the woman who taught you everything you know?