Great Expectations and The Hidden Costs...

 This ain't a holiday... No ma'am...

To be real, I didn't think about the Emotional costs of this trip... My head has always been in the Financial costs, and the logistics. Of how my B-Ma, Myself, and my Whanau would get along. Especially with the cultural and language differences (and the fact that our translator is away for some of it) and all that jazz.


On the surface planning for this trip has been stressful and exciting. Considering we started out with

Zero. 

Naught. 

Nothing. 

Nada. 

1. Now we have 3 of our plane tickets paid for! (Check!) Almost 4... as the Give A Little page is sooo close, I can feel it!
2. All 4 of our Passports (applications) paid for and sent off. (Check!! - Thanks to my awesome Sis & Bro-in-law!!! You rock!)
3. Next hurdle that's up is Travel Insurance... but funnily enough, I *just* found out, by accident actually, I may have a wee credit from IRD. So if that comes through that'll pay for most of it. Thank You God!
4. My only other concern is day to day stuff (trains/buses/food/nappies etc) But I'm sure God's on it, I mean, He's done a pretty amazeballs job so far!

But what has been the hardest work is keeping my head together...

I spent a lot of today crying and arguing, praying and conversing with people... I don't think anyone, including myself, realised the toll this process would take on me, my family or my B-Ma.

The excitement has unfortunately mostly dissipated into anxiety, and the Great Expectations have reared their ugly heads.


I didn't expect there were expectations of a Birth Daughter by her Biological Mother.
I didn't expect to butt heads over Cultural issues.
I didn't expect the raw brutal honesty and the ensuing misunderstandings.
I didn't expect to feel a heavy weight of trying to appease each side...
I didn't expect to lose myself in this journey...


There are expectations within the Hong Kong Culture that I wasn't aware of. My main concern, we have been rehashing, is the fact I'm not supposed to call elders by their first names, as this is disrespectful.
I have had many, we'll call it 'conversations', with and through my interpreter, Jane* about the fact there is no way on God's green Earth I feel comfortable calling my B-Ma, "Mother" (or "Mahme" - I still can't pronounce it right anyway) But it's the fact that she is not my Mother. She is my "Biological Mother", my DNA, and unfortunately, a complete stranger. In New Zealand being a "mother" is important. It is celebrated. It is earned... (I have the scratch-marks to prove it!)
I have also been asked to learn Cantonese in a MONTH(which I suck at. Can't even master "Hi". Haha!), in order to converse with her and the rest of the family. I have asked them to practice their English (as their schooling system makes them learn English as a second language) but I have been told there are words in Cantonese that do not translate well... On the lighter side, I have been told to only wear red on Chinese New Years Day, so it's not all rah-rah-rah...

I don't wish to be disrespectful to her Culture, but I have begun to notice that there is a disparity in how we treat each other. I feel there is an almost complete lack of respect for the only Culture I was raised in. The only Culture I know and understand. Maybe it's a miscommunication? Or maybe it's a longing from her side to be considered as my "mother"? Maybe she wants to make up for the last 31 years by mothering me now? Whatever it is, I am having a hard time digesting it and I'm tired of fighting...


I have said in the past that it was difficult feeling like I have no Cultural Heritage. Going through this process has shown me, I do. It may not be mine biologically, but I feel like I have inherited it and have embraced it more than I realised. Revelations eh?!

Family issues are everywhere and mine is no exception. Now a Bio-Family has been chucked into the mix... I think the hardest thing is trying to figure out where to place everyone. Not so much where my loyalty lies, but where can I put them without anyone getting offended or upset? I am no closer to an answer as I write this, but I know eventually it will fall into place...

I just wish I could strip everything back and make it:

"Yay! I'm going to meet my Birth Mother for the first time!"

... Darn my brutal honesty.




*name changed to protect their privacy.

BAY OF PLENTY: TIMES they could be a changin'

Woohoo! 

We are *just* over halfway now!!! So here's hoping, (and praying!) that this article will help shed some more sunshine on this Fundraiser.  And with 16 days to go, the adrenaline is pumping!

You can click on the picture and it should link you to the full Bay Of Plenty Times article.

(Not the best picture of me, but Hey, doesn't my Mama look beautiful!?) 

This journey has just been a roller coaster! Crazy, fast paced, crap your pants, kind of unexpected ride. From start to, well, now...
  This article is proof. Nothing is in my hands, and I'm glad. I couldn't in my wildest dreams imagine this journey would take this route!

I was contacted a few days ago by the peeps at Give A Little, saying that my Fundraiser had caught their eye! (Oh shucks...) They asked me if I was happy for them to send it to their list of Media peeps... Are you kidding?!

I said, "Heck Yes!" 

...well, not quite in those words. Haha! The next day I received an email from The Bay Of Plenty Times asking if I was keen to be interviewed. What!?

"Heck, Yes!"

... Okay, I didn't say that either. But I did do a little happy dance afterwards.

Friday Afternoon the reporter rang me to get "My Side" of the story. I have to admit my nervousness got to me. (Can anyone say, word-vomit much?!) Luckily, she knew how to make sense of SamaSpeak.
20 minutes later, and a couple of Ever interruptions, the interview was done and dusted. I sat back thinking, What next now, God?! And I say that with excitement and trepidation.

In the end though, I am so thankful that people have jumped onboard this journey with me. The support has meant a lot when I feel like sometimes I don't even know how I should feel... but that's another blog-post... [winky wink!]

Who's Your Daddy (Part 2)

When I found out about what happened to my biological father I wasn't in a good place...

To be honest, I had thought my "Happily Ever After" would include finding him too. Alive and well. Yet I don't even have a picture or a relative of his I can contact.

I was angry after my Birth Mother told me his response to my impending arrival, and I was deeply upset that I will never get to meet the man who contributed to my existence. I will never get to see what features or mannerisms (or health issues...) I have inherited. I will never get to hear his side of the story or what he's been doing. I will never get to hear his voice. I was angry at his choices in life...

Expecting a child can be a shock. Having a child is life-changing. You make choices the minute that bundle of joy comes out that affect an actual human beings life course... I don't know what kind of person he was when he passed, but I hope it was even a smidgen better than who he was as a teenager.

I don't have much to say about him, because there's not a lot I know. He will always be an enigma.  Unfortunately he will always be a "deadbeat dad" in my eyes...

Being young doesn't change anything. My little bro was 19 when he became a father, and I have to say I am so proud of where he's come from, and the amazing, responsible man, and most importantly, Dad he's become. So to me age, doesn't give you a free pass...

One thing that I haven't talked much about is my own Papa. My 'Adopted Father' if you want to get all legalistic. I guess the main reason is because this journey has been about: "From Mother to Birth Mother", and to be uber honest, even though I've laid most of my cards on the table with this blog, I still want to keep the special stuff, private.

But I want to set the record straight. My Dad was with my Mama every step of the way in my adoption. If my Mama was the 'heart', he was the 'brains'. He orchestrated pretty much all of the technical and legal issues in order to bring me to New Zealand. Apparently it was no easy feat!

This isn't to say my Dad isn't a caring person at all. He has been an amazing Dad (Though like anyone, we have had our fair share of issues...) Throughout this journey he has given me so much encouragement and advice. From people's names he had dealt with at the Adoption Agency in New Zealand all the way to Hong Kong. Thank the Lord he has an elephant memory!
  In fact he almost had a job in Hong Kong this January, in which he asked me to be his P.A - mostly so I could go over to meet my B-Ma. I hadn't mentioned it before as I felt it wasn't solely my business to disclose. But I guess, since that fell through it should be alright... Hopefully?! (Sorry Dad! Haha!)

So, here I am now thinking it's kind of okay not knowing my Birth Father, because I already have a pretty choice Papa. Some people in life don't even get that, so why should I be greedy and ask for seconds eh?!

Love you Dad. xo


ps. We have officially sent off our Passport Applications! Woohoo!!!

Nice to Skype you...sort of.

Firstly, I want to say a huge, THANK YOU to everyone who has generously donated in the past 5 days!!! I am in awe of the aroha you have shown my mama and I.
I also deeply appreciate the personal messages and stories you have shared with us. Thank you.

We are now almost* 1/4 of the way to the goal. Yeeehaaawww! Please continue to SHARE on FB or email or Twitter or whatever! Because even if you only Give a Little... it will mean a lot to us. 

Arohanui. xo

Last night I was FB-ing the cousin, Jane* about the deets to book the plane tickets (Yargh! It's now R.E.A.L!) as the Hubband had finally confirmed with his work how much time off he could get. The FB messages were getting long and somewhat Billy Murray (Lost in Translation), it was frustrating for either side. So darn-tootin! I felt ready! I asked her for her Skype name...  

Rewind to around September last year, a month into FB-ing my Bio-whanau; they had eagerly asked me if we could Skype to face. I didn't feel ready. It was too soon. Basically, I freaked out. There was an irrational fear that I couldn't get passed. They already had my email address and they had admitted to FB stalking me; what more do they want?! Maybe it's because I felt I would be completely exposed then? It was too real then. I wanted, no needed, a computer screen to hide behind. I wanted to get to know them slowly... at my pace, on my terms; and so far I had felt the rush of the bio-whanau locomotive steamrolling it's way into my life and all I could think of was hiding into the bushy depths of the annonymous world wide web.

So there I was, staring at this animated face that I had seen in so many FB photos, Jane had just crammed a whole slice of white bread into her mouth and was stumbling around the kitchen. I couldn't help but laugh... (sorry!) Eventually she settled down and we got down to bio-business. After half an hour, and a successful plane ticket booking (whoop whoop!) she decided to call my B-Ma. Hold up! Hold the iPhone!?! What?! No, I'm not ready... 

Briiinnnggg Bringgg. Brinnnggg Bringgg...

[SILENCE]

(... all I could think was, Thank God she didn't pick up. Phew!)

I told Jane*, Well, it mustn't of been the right timing.

Maybe not, she replied.

...Briiinnnggg Bringgg!!!

Oh crap. The space filled up with the unfamiliar sounds of Cantonese. I was at a loss... So surreal to hear that voice. That sharp lilt of the Hong Konger tongue is so foreign and hard to digest especially the fact that that voice was my Birth Mother's.

There was a flurry of fast-talking as Jane tried to explain the weird situation. Me on the Skype screen, and her talking to my B-Ma on the iPhone. Thank God the Hubband was with me. I kept looking to him for reassurance. Eventually we started conversing through the bilingual-ness of Jane. Until all of a sudden Jane held the phone up to the Webcam, and all I heard was,

"I love you, Sama"

(ok, she slightly mispronounced my name, but I'll let that one slide since it's been 31 years and she never knew my name before July last year. Haha!)

I gulped, "Thank you?!"

Another voice came into the background, with a flurry of Cantonese, my Bio-Grandma repeated, "I love you, Sama."

I didn't know what to say.

Saying, thanks seemed lame, but that's all I could muster at the time. I really didn't know how to approach that. I've never really thought about love coming into the communication equation. I knew there would be a lot of catching up. What have I been doing for the last 31 years. what has she been doing. Our family histories. Our plans for the trip. The Reason... but I never thought I would be confronted with that sentence, at least not that soon.

What kind of peeved me off was the fact that Jane asked me to say something back in Cantonese. She told me to repeat each word after she said it, which of course I nervously obliged, without asking. Then at the end she told me I had just said,

"I love you mom."

Seriously, what the!? Not meaning to be a party pooper but that was playing dirty, yo!!! I know that is something that my B-Ma obviously wanted, or maybe needed to hear after 31 years, but for flips sake, I was not ready. I am still not ready...

LOVE is a complicated word. It implies so much...

LOVE

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

My feelings toward my B-Ma are complicated. I am so thankful that I found her before it is too late. I am glad she seems like a lovely person and has gone on to have more children. I feel blessed for the generosity she has shown myself and my family. I get nervous, yet excited at the thought of meeting her face to face. I laughed when she said that she wanted to hug me tight when she greets me at the airport. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of meeting the extended 'family'. I am happy, and a little sad when she told me she has missed me all these years and that she wanted me...


When I choose to say it the next time. I want it to be special, and to come from a place where I genuinely feel it. I'm sure that day will come... but for now, I am just happy that we are building a relationship.

*names changed to protect their privacy

Give A Little... would mean a Lot.

Welcome friends et Whanau to me little slice of bloggin' life!

The main reason I have opened myself up is this: I need help.

Specifically, YOUR help.


I can't do this on my own, and I'm okay admitting that. I have tried to come up with 'genius' money-saving ideas, but the reality is we are a single-income family living in the most expensive city in New Zealand. I have prayed and waited (impatiently, I'll admit) upon the Lord. Then the other day I got this sweet scripture:

2 Kings 4:2-4

Elisha replied to her, "How can I help you? Tell me, what do you have in your house?"
  "Your servant has nothing there at all," she said, "except a little oil."
Elisha said, "Go around and ask all your neighbours for empty jars. Don't ask for just a few. Then go inside and shut the door behind you and your sons. Pour oil into all the jars, and as each is filled, put it to one side..." 

If you are not familiar with the story: God pours out his blessing and multiplies that oil until all the vessels are filled. When I read it I was like, for reals?! No... really?

For those who know me, I hate asking for help. I am a "self-sufficient make-doer". In other words: I am stubborn. Haha! So for me this word came in a season of "Yes, and Amen" (In 'Christian-ese' this basically means: Instead of being a tool trying to do it your way, in your timing, how about you 'let' God: The Maker of the Universe, The Lover of your soul, Your Creator; direct the outcome of this dream.)

So... THE DREAM:
(If you haven't read this blog from the start then I will catch you up)

To meet my Birth Mother with my mama This February 2015.

The idea to search for my Birth Mother (or B-Ma as I call it,) sprung up early last year. It was a few months after the birth of my daughter, Ever; and as I looked at her, my beautiful, squishy, Spongebob square-faced baby-girl, my heart melted. She looked so much like me. The slanted eyes, the button nose, the darkish hair, the giant head...  I have never had anyone look remotely like me before. It was surreal. But then again, childbirth usually is.

My hormone-driven thoughts went down the 'How could a Mother give up their child?!' vein. I felt ready. Ready to open this can of Whoopsy-Here's-Sama. A pain that had affected me all my life, but had never wanted to explore. Better to bury my head in the sand...

Anyhow, I talked to my hubband and My (adopted) Mama and she got all riled up in a different direction. A more positive direction - To the point of wondering if my B-Ma would invite us over for dinner... (um, probably not?!)
  My Mama got out all the files she had been storing - she had enquired about her for me a few years back, but I changed my mind - We found an address for the Orphanage, and bless Google-satellites heart, could check it out on the internet. After getting Google-high on the possibility of finding my B-Ma in an impossibly packed city, we plunged ahead and emailed the Orphanage for any information on the process of contacting my Birth Mother... So fast forward to July:

After 31 years of not knowing whether she was alive or dead, I Found My Birth Mother!

So this brings me to now. Today in fact. As I said in my previous post my B-Ma has generously offered to pay for myself, hubband and baby-girl's plane ticket to meet her in Hong Kong(which I still can't believe!?) but my Dream has always been to have my mama by my side too.

GIVE A LITTLE:

So here I am with this little bit of 'Oil': I am a writer, a story-teller, and I'll admit, sometimes a bit of an entertainer; and I am excited to be able to share my journey. As an Artist, a Mother, as an Orphan, as an adopted daughter and as a Human Bean. This crazy, weird-tastic once in a life time opportunity to meet my Birth Mother after 31 years has sprung up and I want to blog the process, and hopefully document it on camera, so peeps can follow my journey. For people who are in my position, or have been, or want to be or may know of someone. It's a scary, yet exciting can of What-if's to open up, and I have said in previous posts that, there is no manual (ok, I haven't looked to be honest) and so for me, this is my "Manual". I am grateful for the opportunity to share this with anyone who is interested.

Now here's the Neighbours part:

I have set up this Give A Little fundraising page for my mother. Any help whatsoever would be much appreciated. Even if you just share this, like it on FB, or donate $1.00 would be mucho appreciated.

http://givealittle.co.nz/cause/frommothertobirthmother

THE GOAL: $2500

"My beautiful mother, Annette has raised me as one of her own (in a crazy family of 5 kids!) and taught me so much about being a mother, having courage to go for my dreams and be who I am, even in the face of adversity. 

She is the backbone of our family and shown my siblings and I what courage really means. She has been a dedicated single mother to us 5 all our lives and my dream is for her to meet my birth mother with me. To connect my past with my present. To also, selfishly, have my mother, and best friend, with me when I make one of the most important and life-changing steps I've ever undertaken. 

So here I am in the start of a New Year asking for your help. 

My Birth Mother has generously offered to pay for myself, husband, and our beautiful one year old daughter to go to Hong Kong THIS February so we can ring in the Chinese New Year and meet her and the rest of my bio-whanau for the first time. I would LOVE to have my mother experience this meeting with us.

Our dream has always been to go back and search for my Birth Mother together. To retrace from the Hospital I was born in to the Orphanage I lived in. To experience the culture I know nothing about and above all, meet my Birth Mother."

Please for the love of all things great and small, weird and tall, cool and neat, if you feel like donating to my dream: Thank You.

Even if you Give A Little, it would Mean A Lot... to me.

(and if not, Thank You for reading this blog post until The...)

When God opens an Airplane door...

Holy Cowbells Batman! I am in awe of God. His timing is perfect eh?! Perfectly crazy!?

I'll get to the point: My B-Ma (birth Mother) has offered to pay for me, my Hubband and baby-girl's flight to Hong Kong to meet her, and the rest of the bio-whanau. WHAT?!

Yes, that is right. She wants us to come over THIS February, to ring in the Chinese New Year with them.

I am in S.H.O.C.K...


My "cousin" FB me, as she is our interpreter and told me the good news tonight. I was speechless. I am speechless. I told her I couldn't possibly take it, it's too much! She said, when compared to 31 years apart, it ain't that much... Well, when you put it that way then, yes.

...I may have had some dust in my eye at one point. Yeah, dust...

I still can't believe we are going. I haven't been to Hong Kong since I left when I was two. I am so overwhelmed at the thought of meeting the woman who gave birth to me. To meet my maternal grandmother (who is quite sick, that's also the other reason my B-Ma couldn't wait any longer), to meet my "half-siblings" and their children. To meet my lovely "cousin" who has helped me so much these past few months with translating and keeping me up to date, as well as giving me some family history.
  I really don't know what I will say? I don't know how I will react? I hope I don't crack a lame SamaJoke... haha! Or at least hope it will be lost in translation...

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to Him and He will make your path straight." Proverbs 3:5-6

The path has seemed mighty curly to me over these past 6 months but I know that God has had it. Even with the lack of funds, me not working, and the T.V show not working out, it's been hard to see through the negatives. But I am so thankful that God works in mysterious ways because I could not in my wildest dreams have guessed my B-Ma would offer this amazingly generous opportunity. Far out...

I don't have much  else to say right now apart from:

Thank you God! You The Man!!!

... Gotta get my passports renewed. Ahhhh! We are going to Hong Kong!!! I am going to meet my Birth Mother in a month!!! Ahhhh!
(Now, just praying for one more ticket...)