Nice to Skype you...sort of.

Firstly, I want to say a huge, THANK YOU to everyone who has generously donated in the past 5 days!!! I am in awe of the aroha you have shown my mama and I.
I also deeply appreciate the personal messages and stories you have shared with us. Thank you.

We are now almost* 1/4 of the way to the goal. Yeeehaaawww! Please continue to SHARE on FB or email or Twitter or whatever! Because even if you only Give a Little... it will mean a lot to us. 

Arohanui. xo

Last night I was FB-ing the cousin, Jane* about the deets to book the plane tickets (Yargh! It's now R.E.A.L!) as the Hubband had finally confirmed with his work how much time off he could get. The FB messages were getting long and somewhat Billy Murray (Lost in Translation), it was frustrating for either side. So darn-tootin! I felt ready! I asked her for her Skype name...  

Rewind to around September last year, a month into FB-ing my Bio-whanau; they had eagerly asked me if we could Skype to face. I didn't feel ready. It was too soon. Basically, I freaked out. There was an irrational fear that I couldn't get passed. They already had my email address and they had admitted to FB stalking me; what more do they want?! Maybe it's because I felt I would be completely exposed then? It was too real then. I wanted, no needed, a computer screen to hide behind. I wanted to get to know them slowly... at my pace, on my terms; and so far I had felt the rush of the bio-whanau locomotive steamrolling it's way into my life and all I could think of was hiding into the bushy depths of the annonymous world wide web.

So there I was, staring at this animated face that I had seen in so many FB photos, Jane had just crammed a whole slice of white bread into her mouth and was stumbling around the kitchen. I couldn't help but laugh... (sorry!) Eventually she settled down and we got down to bio-business. After half an hour, and a successful plane ticket booking (whoop whoop!) she decided to call my B-Ma. Hold up! Hold the iPhone!?! What?! No, I'm not ready... 

Briiinnnggg Bringgg. Brinnnggg Bringgg...

[SILENCE]

(... all I could think was, Thank God she didn't pick up. Phew!)

I told Jane*, Well, it mustn't of been the right timing.

Maybe not, she replied.

...Briiinnnggg Bringgg!!!

Oh crap. The space filled up with the unfamiliar sounds of Cantonese. I was at a loss... So surreal to hear that voice. That sharp lilt of the Hong Konger tongue is so foreign and hard to digest especially the fact that that voice was my Birth Mother's.

There was a flurry of fast-talking as Jane tried to explain the weird situation. Me on the Skype screen, and her talking to my B-Ma on the iPhone. Thank God the Hubband was with me. I kept looking to him for reassurance. Eventually we started conversing through the bilingual-ness of Jane. Until all of a sudden Jane held the phone up to the Webcam, and all I heard was,

"I love you, Sama"

(ok, she slightly mispronounced my name, but I'll let that one slide since it's been 31 years and she never knew my name before July last year. Haha!)

I gulped, "Thank you?!"

Another voice came into the background, with a flurry of Cantonese, my Bio-Grandma repeated, "I love you, Sama."

I didn't know what to say.

Saying, thanks seemed lame, but that's all I could muster at the time. I really didn't know how to approach that. I've never really thought about love coming into the communication equation. I knew there would be a lot of catching up. What have I been doing for the last 31 years. what has she been doing. Our family histories. Our plans for the trip. The Reason... but I never thought I would be confronted with that sentence, at least not that soon.

What kind of peeved me off was the fact that Jane asked me to say something back in Cantonese. She told me to repeat each word after she said it, which of course I nervously obliged, without asking. Then at the end she told me I had just said,

"I love you mom."

Seriously, what the!? Not meaning to be a party pooper but that was playing dirty, yo!!! I know that is something that my B-Ma obviously wanted, or maybe needed to hear after 31 years, but for flips sake, I was not ready. I am still not ready...

LOVE is a complicated word. It implies so much...

LOVE

noun

1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

My feelings toward my B-Ma are complicated. I am so thankful that I found her before it is too late. I am glad she seems like a lovely person and has gone on to have more children. I feel blessed for the generosity she has shown myself and my family. I get nervous, yet excited at the thought of meeting her face to face. I laughed when she said that she wanted to hug me tight when she greets me at the airport. I feel overwhelmed at the thought of meeting the extended 'family'. I am happy, and a little sad when she told me she has missed me all these years and that she wanted me...


When I choose to say it the next time. I want it to be special, and to come from a place where I genuinely feel it. I'm sure that day will come... but for now, I am just happy that we are building a relationship.

*names changed to protect their privacy