Yes, The Orphanage. My home for the first two years of my life.
The Orphanage is somewhere on Hong Kong Island. Unfortunately my B-Ma didn't know exactly where it was. She had told us that she had previously stayed there before she gave birth to me, but that was a long time ago... We had taken a bus to the MTR in Kwai Fong to meet my bio-sis outside but my gosh, she took her sweet time... The stress was getting to me after a late start leaving the house (my B-Ma seems to be on 'Island Time' and well, getting ready took longer to anticipate with a 1 year old! Boy were we running late!) It just sucked that today was the only day we had a set time to be somewhere.
We were supposed to be meeting my dad out the front at 11am (as he was staying nearby) Thankfully we made it to Hong Kong Island only half an hour late(!) and made our way through the busy streets. I mean hardcore busy. Chinese New Year is holiday time and the Island is tourist central. People constantly jostle you whilst on a mission to shop or eat. It's disorientating and stressful, sometimes you are moving at a snails pace, and other times you are shimmying to make your way through the throngs of people just so you can get ahead. The weirdest thing is their are many people with nana-handcarts towing bits and boxes along to their destinations. "Mm goi"-ing as they go... (It's a form of thank you/excuse me I'm coming through)
After our slow start we were eager to get the heck out of there and get to the sanctuary of the Orphanage to complete our mission impossible. I spotted the front of the orphanage 15 minutes into our tourist confusions! (Thank the Lord we had Google maps'd it previously in NZ!) Off we went. I spied my dad out the front and after a quick greeting we made our way through those ominous ornate concrete and steel gates up to the security building. We explained through my bio-sis who we were looking for and took an outdoor seat to wait. My mama and papa had spotted the orphanage playground they had taken me to the first time we met. It was becoming real...
The tears had started to flow for them as they looked around the outside of the Orphanage. The significance of this moment, with my B-Ma now with us, as well as recalling little facts of the past, had gotten to them. The last time we were all here together... I was as chill as a cucumber.
In a quiet moment my dad took me aside and asked me how I felt. I told him it will probably hit me later, or tomorrow. I wasn't sure. I don't think I was truly prepared for this. Can you ever be truly prepared for something like this?
My memories are nil of my time there. Everything I know is from photos or from what they've told me, and of course from the adoption records. I really didn't know how I should feel. On one hand it was super exciting to be there with everyone, but on the other hand there is a sadness to the place. To the memories for them. The knowledge of my early lonely life... I wouldn't wish this feeling on anyone.
Shortly after the Intercountry Adoption lady I had been emailing, arrived. We made our introductions and a short plan and headed toward the side entrance with my dad, mom, B-Ma, Hubband, daughter, and bio-sis in tow. We made for an interesting mismatch of cultures but with a mutual disjointed history now being reunited. piecing it together one step at a time. Nothing could prepare me for when we went inside.
Up a tiny elevator we rode to the 4th floor. We waited for a worker to notice us and let us enter. She took us through a card-entry only security door and into the common play area for the 2-4 year olds. We could see the toddlers in cots in rooms to the left and right. Some sleeping, some crying, and some curiously looking at the array of strangers peering through the windows.
As we looked at that small common area with the tiny plastic playground on the right. A cushiony flooring area that looked like a mini wrestling ring, to the back left. An assortment of toys packed neatly away. Empty weathered lino flooring all around. The emotions welled up and exploded to the surface. I was not in control.
Sobs overtook my body and I didn't care how I looked. My bravado had left me at the security door. I had nothing left...
There was no hiding the depth of my sorrow. The pain that had been hidden for so long. The sense of loneliness and isolation I have always felt, all came flooding back to me.
My life has been often difficult, but so easy compared to what could've been. In retrospect, I have been so blessed... But I couldn't help crying for that little two year old I was. Being left here with nothing and no one to call my own. There are no words to describe the feelings that were coursing through me. The sadness was all encompassing, threatening to swallow me whole.
I looked at my B-Ma... I imagine the sadness that my she must've been feeling would've been 100 times what I was going through. As a mother I know the pain of seeing your child hurt, let alone not knowing where your child was for 30 years and not being able to do anything about it. One of my greatest privileges as a mother has been wiping away Ever's tears and comforting her. Reassuring her she is safe and loved...
My parents were in an equal disarray of emotion. Knowing that this is where I had lived before they had taken me out of there. The last time they were here together. The other children left behind... My mother had told me previously there had been a little boy who had called her, mama. She had cried that she couldn't take him as well. Where was he now?
There were a lot of small discussions in going on. Questions and answers. So many tears and hugs. A few laughs. But mostly ominous silence. The room was talking. It was telling us a history of my time there. It spoke of a culture I still don't understand. A place I called home once. Of a time when my life had a question mark on my future.
To be there as a grown woman, a mother to my own daughter; with my own mother and father. With my birth mother... It was hugely symbolic. I now feel I have confronted some of the demons of my past and triumphed. Even after a short time I feel that the great sadness is mostly gone, and I am even more assured of my trust in God's plan for me.
The social worker told us it is very hard to locate a birth mother in Hong Kong. It is also extremely rare to find one after such a long time and the fact that my records were burnt in a freak fire at the hospital I was born in, would have made it almost impossible to track. She told me not many return. I am the first to return with both my adopted parents and my birth mother.
As I look over my life I can see His hand at work. Whether you believe or not, you can't help but see a life that has had many questions answered miraculously. I am in awe of Him. his timing is perfect. His love for me, unfathomable... But I'm beginning to get an inkling. [winky wink]
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